I’m Ariella Montgomery, (the homies call me Elle) and I am a 27-year-old Boston native. I grew up in Boston Mass my entire life and am now living in Texas with my husband, T, or as you know him, Ty (surprise! “My man, my man, my man!!”). I love to spend my time eating, shopping, or making content for my social media, but more than any of those things, I love the Lord. My fun fact is that I am an identical twin and one of my best qualities is my wit – I can make a joke out of anything, but I took it very seriously when Ty asked me to guest write a post for his blog (we love a takeover!). Today, I have the honor of kicking off a new set of posts called: Before We where we talk about all the things we wish we would have known before stepping into marriage and a lot of the things we’ve learned.
Let’s be honest, marriage preparation is work, sis! But so much of it is work that we do with the Lord. It doesn’t often require the other person for you to get yourself prepared to be the wife God calls you to be. As I thought about it, I came up with 10 pieces of advice that I would give to any woman before she’s at the altar.
You need to be rooted in Christ. Bring rooted means you exhibit the fruit of the spirit and therefore are recognized as part of the Kingdom of God. In my recent Bible Study, we had a phrase that said, “If you’re rootless, you’re fruitless… and if you’re fruitless, you’re useless.” Don’t be useless, sister! You have to be rooted in the person of Christ so that you can be sure of who you are. Marriage is not going to tell you who you are, you need to know going in.
2. Become a Proverbs 31 Woman.
Proverbs 31:10, A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies…
Don’t worry ladies–Ty will write to the men in the next one but this is for us! What does becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman look like? This isn’t the ‘40s but it is important to cultivate a servant’s heart if we are going to love our husbands like Christ. An ability to run a household and be the wife of noble character is not only what God calls us to be, but it’s also what a Man of God will expect. This can look different for every marriage, but the heart posture of service that is discussed in this passage is crucial in your preparation.
Phil 2:3-4, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Which leads me to...
3. Become selfless.
Marriage is hard. You are going to have to learn to bite your tongue for the sake of peace. You are going to have to learn to work together and compromise in ways that hurt because it hurts not to get our own way. The good news is, that your husband does not define you…Christ does. And Christ forgives us both when we mess up. Christ supplies the strength we need to improve. If you can remind yourself during conflict that your job is to represent the marriage and not yourself, you might find that it’s easier when disagreeing with your husband. It’s always you and your husband against the problem (not you against each others!). And it takes a certain level of selflessness to step outside of what you may feel and consider the feelings or needs of your spouse.
Say it with me ladies: husbae is not the problem!
4. Perfection is not possible.
Since we’re homies now, I’m going to be completely honest with you and let you know I’m still learning this one. As wives, we are going to mess up…probably every day. You have to be able to give yourself (and your spouse) grace and take things day by day (kind of like my hubby likes to say— it’s all about the aggregation of marginal gains. Little by little, day by day.)
5. Restructure friendships.
The truth of the matter is that everybody can’t come, girl. A friend that’s been good to you may not be good for your marriage and the new season you’re stepping into. While it’s not healthy to cut everyone off, keep in mind what friendships are important for what season. There’s a time and a place for everything…including friendships!
A friend that’s been good to you may not be good for your marriage and the new season you’re stepping into.
6. Develop a deep and personal relationship with God.
Nurture your faith through daily prayer, reading of the Word, and fellowship with other believers. It is essential to strengthen your spiritual foundation, as a strong faith will be the anchor of your marriage. There will be times when you’ll need to be spiritually strong in marriage, and having your own relationship with Christ allows for a well-balanced marriage.
7. Understand God's design for marriage.
Study Scripture to gain insights into the roles and responsibilities of a husband and wife. Embrace God's order of leadership in marriage, where the husband is called to be the spiritual head, and the wife is called to support and submit to his leadership with love and respect. We often take the word “submit” and feel uneasy about what that means for our power in the relationship. Understanding the dynamics of what submission truly means can help put you at ease before marriage. Check Ty’s posts out here and here. They say a lot about submission and have a lot of insight I agree with.
8. Pursue emotional and mental well-being.
Preparing for marriage involves not only the spiritual aspect but also emotional and mental well-being. Take time to understand yourself, your emotions, and any past hurts or baggage that may hinder your ability to fully love and trust your future spouse. Seek healing and restoration through counseling, support groups, or mentorship. Remember that a healthy you, makes a healthy marriage, and like we said at the beginning, most of the work you can do for your union is independent work.
9. Prioritizing communication and conflict resolution.
Effective communication is vital in any marriage. Learn to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs lovingly and respectfully. Practice active listening and seek to understand your partner's perspective. My grandmother used to tell me as a child, “A wise woman is quick to listen and slow to speak.” Allowing yourself to listen and observe before rushing to respond can help communication be more productive. Additionally, learn healthy conflict resolution strategies, understanding that disagreements are inevitable but can be resolved with grace, humility, and a commitment to reconcile. So many of us didn’t grow up learning these skills or didn’t get to observe them from the marriages in front of us. That’s ok, ask God to help you as you learn new norms, and practice healthy communication.
10. Establish healthy boundaries.
And last of all, boundaries. That buzzword we all know. No matter how many times you’ve heard it, boundaries in marriage are essential for maintaining a healthy and thriving relationship. As Christian women, it is important to establish boundaries that align with God's principles and values. Set healthy boundaries in areas such as time, personal space, finances, and relationships outside of marriage. These boundaries will help protect and nurture your marriage.
Now, how about we let the guys chat in the next post? If you are a married, Christian woman, I’d love for you to leave any of your best “before we say I do”s in the comments, and if you’re on the road to marriage, feel free to drop any questions or comments that we can respond to.
Marriage has been one of the most beautiful decisions of my life to date, after deciding to follow Christ. It’s refining but you get to benefit from the refinement, knowing that you’ve been made beautiful on the inside and out.
Keep living Love,
-Elle
P.S. Follow me on Instagram, X, TikTok, and Youtube @ellebmontgomery!
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